We recently celebrated Tu B’Av — the mystical festival of love. In Temple times, this was the day for romance: The daughters of Jerusalem would dress in white and dance in the vineyards, while eligible bachelors came seeking their soulmate. It was the ancient Jewish version of speed dating — except without the speed or the dating apps.
But Tu B’Av isn’t just about finding love — it’s about understanding it. Because when you understand love, you don’t just find your soulmate — you keep your soulmate. It’s much easier to fall in love than it is to stay in love!
I’d like to share with you a life-changing directive from the Rebbe on relationships — simple yet profound — that can transform your marriage as it’s done for countless others in our community:
When you think about it objectively, marriage is a pretty wild concept. The idea that a man and a woman — two fundamentally different individuals — should merge their lives, share all their resources, and somehow live together in harmony forever is, frankly, a bit absurd. It’s the kind of idea only G-d, the Creator of the universe, could have devised. That’s why, when G-d introduces the concept of marriage in the Torah, He presents its mission statement right at the start. It’s striking how He explains Eve’s role in Adam’s life: “I will make him an ezer k’negdo — a helper who is against him” (Genesis 2:18). At first glance, this seems contradictory. How can a wife be both a helper and in opposition?
Jewish spirituality teaches that this contradiction is only superficial. A real partner isn’t someone who simply agrees with you all the time — they challenge you, stretch you, and help you grow. Their opposition isn’t about conflict; it’s about refinement. Just like iron sharpens iron, a partner’s pushback can bring out your best self.
That’s why marriage, as Dr. Gabor Maté observes, is both your wildest dream and your worst nightmare. The person you love most is also the one most skilled at triggering your deepest wounds. Why? Because, beneath the surface, we’re all subconsciously seeking to heal the love we never received in childhood.
You always marry someone who will awaken the deepest parts of you — sometimes the best parts, sometimes the broken parts.
And growth, as we all know, is rarely painless. But pain is not the enemy; it’s often the midwife of your greatest blessing. And that’s why love so often feels like war. You’re not crazy if you’re feeling this way — it’s just time to take it to the next level.
This is where the Rebbe flips conventional wisdom on its head. The world often says marriage is 50–50 — each partner gives half, and together they make a whole. But the Rebbe says that’s not the Jewish view. Marriage isn’t 50–50; it’s 100–0. The husband is fully responsible for four key things: respect, love, peace, and joy — and he’s meant to give them unconditionally, expecting nothing in return.
Love is not: What’s in it for me? Love is: What can I bring to you?
Sounds crazy? It’s actually coded into our very anatomy by the Master of the Universe Himself. The Hebrew word for man, zachar, means “protrusion,” to give. The word for woman, nekeva, means “receptacle,” to receive. When the man waits for emotional intimacy from his wife, he’s no longer in his giving role — he’s acting like a receiver. And if both are waiting to receive, the relationship starves.
Let’s be practical. Picture a man coming home after a long day, expecting dinner and a warm welcome. Instead, his wife is on the phone, distracted. The “unloved” alarm in his brain goes off, and he shuts down, going cold. That’s the beginning of the spiral. But a spiritually conscious husband enters differently: He takes responsibility for the emotional atmosphere.
If respect is missing, he plants it. If peace is absent, he brings it. If love feels distant, he closes the gap.
This is not unfair to the man. It’s the greatest investment of his life. Think of a farmer: He plants a seed into the earth — and the earth returns a harvest far greater than the seed he planted.
A husband gives his wife one tiny cell, and she returns a living, breathing human being. He gives her a house; she gives him a home filled with warmth and life. He brings her raw materials; she returns a masterpiece.
If you want more love in your marriage, put more love into your marriage.
I’ve seen this Rebbe-inspired shift transform marriages in our own community — including two severely damaged ones that are just beginning to heal.
Just as we are called to love our wives unconditionally, we are also called to love our Father in Heaven with the same unwavering devotion. In the Shema Yisrael, we read the powerful words: “You shall love the Lord your G-d with all your heart, all your soul, and all your might.” The emphasis here is unmistakable — it doesn’t say “half your heart,” “when it’s convenient,” or “as long as things are going your way.” It says all. All your heart, with both your desires and struggles. All your soul, even to the point of sacrifice. All your might, with every resource at your disposal.
This total, all-encompassing love mirrors the kind of love we are meant to bring into our marriage. Not measured, not transactional — but wholehearted, consistent, and complete. The way you love G-d is the way you love your spouse — all in. Not with conditions, not with a calculator, but with your whole self.
As the moon of Tu B’Av wanes, let’s recommit — not to finding love, but to being love. Because when you give without limits, you receive without measure. And in G-d’s blueprint for marriage, that’s when the harvest truly comes in.
May we energize our marriages with respect that uplifts, love that never quits, peace that calms every storm, and joy that fills every corner of your home.
Rabbi Dovid Vigler is the spiritual leader at Chabad of Palm Beach Gardens and host of the Jewish Schmooze Radio Show. Email him at [email protected].
